Category Archives: Essays/Current events

Be Willing To Close The Door

door as a safe

In the fullness of family

it is difficult to close the door

shut out the cry for “mommy”

and sit still.

 

There is no silence really

even when the door is shut.

Even if, somehow, everyone has agreed

to “quiet time”

doors are slammed

refrigerators are opened and closed.

Feet stomp loudly

even on carpeted floors.

Whispers are louder

than normal conversations.

 

The closed door becomes a symbol.

To Mom, it is a declaration of Self.

“Me time.” Recharge.

 

To the family, the closed door says,

“Rejection.”

 

No matter how much explanation.

No matter how many articles or books

are shown and read

about the restorative nature of “me time for moms,”

the family only sees an action no less cruel than

Abandonment.

 

If she manages to close the door for a while,

the family looks at her with questioning eyes

when she emerges to see

“how she’s changed.”

 

They seem concerned that they may

somehow no longer be in the same

order of importance in her life.

“Mom’s just not the same”

 

For Mom,though, that moment behind the door

was salvation.

 

Tick Tock

felix clocks

 

Tick Tock

The alarm on my phone announces it’s 6 AM. Again.

I’m still exhausted.

Tick Tock

One of my cats stretches bedside me. The other one walks into the room.

They both stare.

“We’re ready for our breakfast .”

Tick Tock

I try to remember what day it is. How many meetings today?

My stomach tightens.

“Shit.”

Tick Tock

The routine starts.

I put the dinner table mats on the floor to signal the cats that food is on its way. One brushes my leg in thanks then sits on his mat and waits.

The other stretches again. Paces. Looks worried that he’ll somehow not be served. Anxiety left over from his early days at the shelter I guess.

Tick Tock

“Can I eat my cereal, drink coffee and read the paper before my young son wakes?”

Just looking for a few moments of me.

Tick Tock

He’s up. Cute. Happy. “Mommy come hug.”

Why would I want to resist?

Tick Tock

“We need to get going now.”

“Pancakes?” he asks.

I look at the clock.

“No time today.”

He gets his cereal.

I go dress for work.

Tick Tock

The rush to remember what goes into my backpack for work and his for school.

He’s put on shorts and a t-shirt (again). It’s cold and wet outside.

“Why don’t you step outside and see if you’ll be warm enough today.”

He does. He won’t. He changes clothes. Four times.

I’m anxious. I look at the clock. Wonder about the traffic. Maybe I yelled, “Hurry up.”

Tick Tock

Dropping him off. I know he likes learning, but talks too much for school rules. They’re not patient. Will we get another call from the Principal today?

“Bye. I love you, son.”

“Love you too.”

I watch him walk all the way to the door, ignoring the cars behind me.

I adore him.

Tick Tock

More bad news on the radio. “Why don’t I listen to music?  Because I need to be informed.”

Lots of traffic. Cars are crawling. I call my assistant at work. We review the day, talk business, make decisions…we talk my…entire…drive…in.

Tick Tock

I rush into the office. My assistant waits at the door. She gives me meeting notes. I give her my backpack. The meetings start.

Every minute of the day is scheduled. Every minute.

Tick Tock

My husband picks up our son and takes him home where they start homework.

I stop at the grocery store to pick-up pre-made dinner.

On the drive I return business calls. Mostly leaving voice messages.

Tick Tock

Home.

Our son sets the table while I dish the food on plates.

My husband starts the laundry.

We sit down together with a candle burning in the center of our plates. (To calm us?)

We pause to give thanks.

They are finished eating their entire meal by the time I’ve had my third bite.

Tick Tock

Bathtime for everyone.

Reading time for everyone.

Tick Tock

Lights out.

I fall asleep (again) in my son’s room after reading to him.

Tick Tock

Our son is older.

He plays hockey.

We add it to the daily schedule. Every day. At the rink. Every day.

Tick Tock

We look for free wifi at the rink.

Laptops so we can work during practice and between games.

We are lined up in the bleachers with the other parents doing the same.

Tick Tock

We’ve rushed.

We’ve juggled.

We’ve stressed.

We’ve argued (not much though, whew)

We’ve laughed (much, fortunately)

We’ve loved.

We’ve bonded.

Tick Tock

Our son is grown.

We can hardly wait to see one another.

We enjoy each other.

Tick Tock

During all these years…

We made family.

 

 

 

Headwinds

cardinals

I didn’t expect a difficult ride.

The trees weren’t blowing, I didn’t think there was a breeze. It was a sunny, happy morning.

So I headed north on the trail. The pedaling was hard. I dropped a gear. Still a struggle.

I mumbled, complaining about it the entire ride. Until the turn.

Heading south, I felt no wind at my back, but the ride was easy.

I saw the pair of cardinals, fluttering in their faithfulness.

The rabbits with their fuzzy faces full of grass, munching.

So many birds were singing.

Had I missed all this just moments before when I was riding north, complaining about unexpected struggles with my cycling?

Had I missed many other beautiful things in my life when I was in the middle of things not “going as planned?”

Probably.

Are There Guns In Heaven?

man in cloud

Steve Connors was a good man. A conventional guy meaning he played football in high school, made B’s and C’s at the state University, graduated, rabble-roused a little bit in his youth, got a job, married a good woman he had known a long time, had two kids, only cussed with his buddies or when alone, was a good son, was a good son-in-law, and paid his taxes.

He knew something was really wrong when he woke up. Everything was white. White sheets, white walls, white…

“What is that?” He wondered.

“White mist? Am I on a friggin’ cloud?”

Steve bolted up. He was wearing white cotton pajamas. “I never wear white cotton pajamas.” He looked around. There was no furniture, no windows, no doors.

“Am I in an insane asylum?”

He was feeling sweaty, agitated, confused, and a bit scared though he was good at keeping that last emotion in check.

He looked at the floor. White mist.

“I’m in a cloud.” He decided not to step down.

“I’m dead.”

He pinched his skin.

“Nope.”

He yelled, “Hello?!”

Silence. Absolute silence.

“Hello, Steve.”

“Holy shit!” Steve jerked. “Where’d you come from?”

“Just right there,” She said pointing nowhere. She looked older than Steve, but younger than his mother.

She’s kind of pretty Steve thought.

“Where the fuck am I… sorry about my bad language.”

“You’re in between.”

“In between what?”

“Life and death.”

Steve felt numb. He didn’t move at all for several minutes.

“It’s confusing I know. But you and I have to talk about some important things right now, Steve.”

“Is this one of those near-death experiences I hear about? People going to the light and then come back into the body?”

She smiled.

“Something like that.”

Steve shifted around in the bed.

“This is fucked up shit. Am I drunk?”

“No.”

“Then where am I? What is this place? Are we on a cloud?”

She smiled again.

“It’s like a cloud. You are between living on Earth or leaving Earth. You and I need to talk about some very important things. She paused. “ And then you have to decide what you’re going to do.”

“Decide what?”

“Decide what you’re willing to do if you return to Earth.”

“If!”

“Yes, Steve. You made a deal with me before you were born on Earth and you’ve not lived up to your part. Yet.”

“Lady, I’ve never seen you before.”

“You have. You just don’t remember.”

“Am I in a hospital dying from cancer or a car accident?”

“No. You were one of nineteen people shot at your daughter’s school picnic. A gunman with an AK-15 assault weapon walked onto the grounds and fired multiple rounds into the children, also hitting some parents.

“Fifteen children are dead. Four of you are being rushed to the hospital. Two will die on the way. Two of you are having conversations with your Guides right now.”

Steve had his hands on either side of his head trying to hold in his racing thoughts.

“Fifteen children are dead?”

“Yes.”

“Two more will die?”

“They just have actually.”

“Who?”

“You didn’t know them.

“I’m sorry to tell you that your daughter, Annabella, died earlier.”

Steve screamed and started to get out bed, but looked down at the mist then fell back on the sheets.

“She was one of the ones who just died?”

“No, Steve. She was killed instantly. She didn’t suffer.”

Steve was sobbing. Shoulders slumped. Defeated.

“My precious baby girl.”

Steve rolled onto his stomach and buried his head in the pillows, crying.

He woke with a start.

“Shit. Am I in the same place?”

He flipped around. She was still there.

“How long was I asleep?”

“A while.”

“What is happening to me on Earth?”

“You’re just now entering the emergency room.”

“What? It’s been forever.”

“Time and space are different here, Steve.”

Steve closed his eyes. Rubbed them. Shook his head.

“OK. What is it I’m supposed to learn? What deal did we make? And why did Annie have to die!” He was screaming again.

“Annie died because she fulfilled her purpose on Earth.”

“She was only eight. What purpose could have been done by then?”

“The deal she made before being born was that she was willing to die the way she did.”

“She knew she would be killed?”

“She knew while she was here, but she didn’t know it on Earth. Steve, because she fulfilled her agreement she did not suffer at all when she died.”

“Why would she agree to die like that?”

“So you would have the chance to correct your life.”

Steve could only look at her.

She stood silently. Her face was gentle.

“Okay okay. So what have I done wrong?”

“It isn’t a case of doing something wrong per se. It’s a case of do you want to fulfill your greatest purpose on Earth instead of just living an average, decent life?”

“A good life isn’t good enough I guess. I don’t know what you mean by me living my greatest purpose. I’m a good man.”

“Yes you are. She waited. “And you agreed that you would be more.”

“Can you just tell me what I need to do? I’m getting really tired of this conversation.”

She smiled again. “Why do you think it was a gunman with a powerful, military-type assault rifle that  killed your daughter, sixteen other people, and has you and another person pending?”

“I don’t know. I don’t know. I’ve always been responsible with guns. Granddaddy taught me to respect guns. I’ve always had to clean my rifle before and after we went hunting. That was my Granddaddy’s way of creating patience and respect for guns. We always eat what we kill. I have never been sport hunting. I don’t believe there such a thing as ‘sport’ hunting.”

“Exactly.”

“Exactly. Exactly what?”

“You have always been very respectful of guns. You have always been very careful. Why do you let others talk and behave irresponsibly about guns?”

“I can’t stop people from buying what they are legally allowed to buy. Shit. Is this about gun control?”

She smiled.

“You’re fucking kidding me!”

“Steve, I think it’s a little bit more than just that since you’re here. You made a deal with me before you were born on Earth that you were going to be the voice of reason about guns. You’re agreed you would be willing to stand up to your friends and the NRA so that things did not get out of hand about guns the way they have.

“You’ve done nothing about it for years.

“Steve, people like you. People respect you. People follow you. You have never been out of control with guns. You have never been unreasonable with the type of guns and ammunition you purchase.

“The deal was that you would use your credibility as “one of the guys”, a hunter, to be a leader in your country to bring sanity to the type of weapons and ammunition that are available, and more importantly, how people gain access to guns.

“Annabel agreed to be your daughter knowing she was be gunned down if you didn’t step up to your higher purpose.

“You have a choice now. Her death can mean nothing or you can step up and live your higher purpose on Earth.

“You mean I live?”

She smiled.

“Yes, you live.”

Steve closed his eyes and cried again.

When Steve Connors opened his eyes, he saw his wife sitting beside him. Her eyes were red and swollen from crying. She sobbed when she saw that Steve was now waking up after his surgery.

“It’s a miracle, thank you God, it’s a miracle,” was all she could say when she collapsed into Steve’s arms.

“Honey, it’s okay. I’m okay.”

“Annie…” his wife started to say.

“Honey, Annie is okay. I know she’s gone from us here, but I’ve been to heaven. I know Annie didn’t die with pain.

“And she won’t die in vain either, honey.

“Babe, there are no guns in heaven… and we’re going to bring some of that heaven here on earth.”

Ok Then, Just Write

I remember being scared to say out loud, “I want to be a writer.”

That’s not entirely true. I declared to my mother when I was 11 that I wanted to be a journalist for National Geographic Magazine. Her immediate response was,”Well then you’ll always be lonely.” I guess back then the thinking was still that restrictive for girls; maybe it still is. That deflating comment came from a very progressive mother, and it stung for decades.

It took me until age 40, yes 40, before I could declare to my husband and two closest, lifelong best friends that “I want to be a writer.” Seventeen years later, I’m still primarily writing in my journal. I tweet for my public professional persona. I submitted one short story once to one publication. They printed it, paid me, and the editor wrote me a note thanking me for sharing such a touching story.

I blog, sometimes.

More and more though I hear the deep voice of myself wonder”Why?” Why do I fight what my soul wants?

At this stage in life it doesn’t even matter if people like my writing. It’s more about my need to do what I was put here to do.

Write. Just write.

 

Megabus? Me? Why, yes!

I first heard about Megabus being available in the United States from a woman in Texas who I assessed, based upon her expensive jewelry and clothes, and, yes, big hair, would never ride a bus or any form of public transportation.

She was slightly embarrassed to admit to our group of equally coiffed women about to board a cruise ship to Mexico (I was the last minute invitee to round out the group) that she had enjoyed her ride on the Megabus from San Antonio to Galveston “and it only cost $36 USD roundtrip!”  We were all intrigued.

Texas is a large state and driving  between major cities–Dallas, Houston, San Antonio, Austin, El Paso, Galveston–will take anywhere for four to twelve hours.  Yes, twelve hours and you are still in Texas.  The state has two time zones after all. Air travel isn’t cheap and security is a hassle for many.  But a bus?!

The Megabus adventuress assured us the double deck coach was clean, people were quiet and “they weren’t as poor as you thought they’d be.” (cringe) I vowed to take the Megabus from Dallas to Houston and back next time I wanted to see my lifelong friend, Cally.

I realized I wasn’t going to Houston as often as I’d like because my car was old, I become sleepy when I drive the 241 miles between the cities, the flight is too expensive and, well, I just didn’t enjoy the hassle. I logged on to Megabus.com to see my options.

I was stunned.  Megabus travels extensively not only throughout the US, but Canada and Europe. Who knew?  I booked my roundtrip from Dallas to Houston for less than $50.  Had my friends in Houston been willing to  pick me up from the downtown stop at 1 am, my roundtrip cost would have been $4. Yes, $4.

There are two Megabus stops in Dallas.  The one I chose was downtown at the local public  transportation bus transfer center. Passengers had already started lining up on the sidewalk when I arrived.There was just a small Magabus sign and a couple of attendants with Magabus shirts.  You are allowed one bag to check and carry-ons that will fit under your seat.  Everyone seemed to follow this rule, unlike airplane travelers who insist carrying half their belongings and are indignant when the flight attendants make them “gate check.”

A family in front of me had one too many bags.  there was a moments confusion about what they were going to to when the man in front of them offered to put one on their smaller bags into his large suitcase, thus avoiding an extra charge for anyone.  An easy solution.  Everyone was happy and we all boarded the bus slowly and quietly.

The bus was clean.  The rest room is a port-a-let, but, it, too, was clean.

We arrived in Houston in the same amount of time it would have taken me had I driven my own car, about four hours. The driver asked if we all remained seated until our bags were taken off—and we did it!  We stayed seated.  There was no jostling and grabbing bags to be first to de-board like on an airplane. Peaceful.

My return trip was just as pleasant.

http://www.megabus.com

Everyone Bought a New Face This Summer

There are more than 3.3 billion facelift procedures in the US at a cost of $10.1 billion annually, so I should not be surprised when I run into yet another person I don’t recognize because she (or he) is wearing a new face. Clearly Obama is right and the US economy has recovered because more “regular” people have the money available to return from vacation with a new face.

I’m not talking about the botox fix that freezes out the exclamation point between the eye brows or the fillers that plump up the “parentheses” around the mouth. I’m referring to not recognizing the person who just greeted me at the market with a hug and a conversation of familiarity.

I’ve read a few stories on the psychological adjustments those with new faces encounter when they look in the mirror, but what about us who have to look at these “new” people every time we are around them? It’s unsettling. Interestingly, though not surprising, it seems to be attractive people who buy another attractive face.  So I’m looking a beautiful face, but not the one I knew before.

Which makes me realize how dependent I am on emotions expressed through facial movements  during a conversation.  Aren’t we all actually? The frown to say “I’m unhappy” or the lift of a brow to show skepticism.  Gone is the joy of a face crinkled in an all consuming smile of joy.

I find it difficult to know if someone is really understanding what I’m saying when her face simply doesn’t change the entire conversation.  It does feel like I’m talking to a robot (or to someone who just doesn’t care).

Remember the late artist, Georgia O’Keefe, or the late actress, Jessica Tandy? Women who let their faces express a life-time of living through layer upon layer of crevices.  Even Brad Pitt and Leonardo DiCaprio have recognized they have to allow some wrinkles in order to credibly show emotion on screen. 

I understand the frustration in looking older than you feel (me) or in being stunned to see an angry person staring back in the mirror (when you’re not angry), but I think the price is too much.  It’s becoming too hard to “feel” a conversation when your face is frozen in a purchased look.  Let’s enjoy our wrinkles, especially the memories that made them.

 

 

i CAN do SOMEthing

I recall a grade school game where we would emphasis various words in the same sentence by shouting the word to give a different emphasis to the message. “YOU are going to take out the trash.” “You are GOING to take out the trash.” “You are going to take out the TRASH.”

I was thinking about this play on words after listening to the news headlines about global warming and another report confirming that it’s not “on it’s way…it’s here.” That ‘s why the weather patterns are so extreme.  (duh) Heat, floods, and even avalanches and earthquakes all seem to be Mother Earth trying to purge herself of..us?!

Always the optimist, I wondered if we couldn’t just all adopt the practice of believing, “I Can Do Something.”

Then I started playing with the emphasis of the words…

I can do something.  Yes, me.  I don’t have to wait on anyone else.  I can walk not ride.  I can not use, but instead reuse and recycle. I can do little things every day that add up to taking care of MYSELF by taking care of the air I breathe, the water I drink, the land I live on. I really have so much power over my life, but most people spend endless amounts of time and energy waiting on and blaming others for just about anything and everything.  “I” really determine my life.

i CAN do something.  CAN means it is possible.  There is always something that CAN be done right now to improve the environment around you.  CAN gives us hope.  I hear the despair in friends, newscasters and world “leaders.”  Have we really given up? CAN makes us think about options.  It opens our minds to wondering what else CAN I do today that helps…drink from a mug at the coffee shop, not a paper cup.

i can DO something.  For thirty years, NIKE has told us to “Just Do It.” I agree.  Quit the paralysis analysis. A very trite phrase, but true, yes?  DO something, anything productive right now.  Act, stop thinking.  DO, don’t wait on “proof.”  Your gut tells you that using plastic bottles and plastic bags can’t be good.  So don’t use them, starting now.

i can do SOMETHING. Just pick one thing, right now.  Several easy solutions have been mentioned already in this essay: walk don’t ride; no plastic; canvas bags reused, no plastic or paper bags. Imagine if you only did these things every day starting today.  Walking will improve your personal health and the environment.  No plastic reduces the need for petroleum production (plastic is an oil based product) plus animals will be safer from choking of plastic trash, and earth will just be cleaner.

It’s not complicated.  Don’t make this a big deal that overwhelms you.  You don’t have to save the whole world at once.  Just save your part of the world today.  Believe …

I Can Do Something.”